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I didn't get the promotion at work. They want someone more experienced, with more career ambition...a preference I kind of saw coming soon enough to stop being that someone. As much as I'd like to make a living kissing the studio board's ass, I've got other plans. I'm not the least bit disappointed - I'm kind of relieved, actually, but I take this as a strong sign that I could continue working at my company for the next five years and they wouldn't bother to promote me. I know, it's obviously news to me that I'm still a loser, but things can only get better from here. So as soon as I line something up I am so out of this job. Nine months is this city can be better spent elsewhere. Okay, now that's out of the way. I'm going to shut up about my job from here on out.

My gay co-worker accidentally came across one of my gay friends on an Internet porn video. Wow, the things you find out about your friends that they would never, ever tell you...he probably has some separate porn life, away from his professional life, maybe that's how he met that crazy I'm-on-a-Pez-dispenser-full-of-painkillers lady that he brought to my birthday party. He actually called me this weekend and I couldn't help thinking porn star porn star porn star in the back of my mind when I innocently asked him what was new. He mentioned having a new boyfriend....I wonder if HE knows, because I sure as hell didn't know. If I was the star of Internet porn (time will tell...) I probably wouldn't tell my new boyfriend, but if he was really hip he would already know...not only that but he would be one of my biggest fans!

The Beatles song "I'm So Tired" is kind of a cop out because it really does not end up being that tired at all. By the end he's wide awake and pissed. "I'd give you everything I've got for a little piece of mind!" I'm sure even John Lennon could be kind of an honest asshole sometimes, god rest his immortally gentle soul.

I hate it when my roommate sleeps over at her boyfriend's house. I would rather they slept at home, because at least then there would be a man around to protect us. Yes, I'm living in the '50s in this regard, sue me. I admit it...I'm a wuss. The nice thing about C# was that he's a black belt in Tae Kwon Do, so I got used to feeling protected....boy, do I miss that security now. I get kind of scared, lonely, and spooked at night when there's this crazy drug addict loser prick who taunts everyone in the building when he comes to stay with his mother upstairs. I haven't seen him yet, but I heard him, and my roommate said that he tried to spit on us once as we were getting in my car. Last night the rain and darkness just made the sleep even more intermittently sleepless. The fact that we were robbed six months ago didn't help much, either.

The Yeah Yeah Yeahs song "Pin" is one that's overdue for a blasting-car-speakers listen. It's so repetitive that it's almost sloppy punk, nearly, but it narrowly escapes the marketing democraphic. "Cold Light" is another song that pushes me over the edge...because just as she's singing "Cold Light" like it really is freezing, the action between the blistery guitar and her desperate voice is scorching, strangley cozy and incestuous..."We're like a sister and a brother!" So you skip "No No No" and radio friendly sappy "Maps" to the "Y Control," dropping manic identity crisis drums and carefully calculated stream-of-consciousness rants...and then the high school slow dance "Modern Romance" makes an argument I'd like to use to explain my empty relationship luck..."I was wrong, it never lasts, this is no, there is no modern romance..."

Time has flown today. I guess I shouldn't speak too soon. Writing sure helps accelerate the clogs in time. Writing clears up the floods that have spread across my mind during this continuous rain. When the rain stops (should be Tuesday), soccer starts again, and there goes my schedule, instantly injected with the busy bug again after sedating vacation and beginning of the New Year slow-motion relapse.

Restless. I'm just waiting right now. For what? Where do we go from here? Well, to continue evoking the immortal words of Radiohead's "The Bends," I wish, I wish, I wish that something would happen. So I guess I'm waiting for that, whatever it may be. Surprise me. And in the immortal words of Lou Reed, I'm waiting for my man, 26 dollars in my hand (that reminds me, I should post my long Velvet Underground album analysis sometime since it has been more widely read than anything I've ever written, thank you Amazon). I'm waiting the page to close on this chapter. I'm waiting for Springsteen's new album and consequent tour. I'm waiting for a Tupac's worth of new Elliot Smith songs to be released. I'm waiting to find out just how out of shape I am when I hit the soccer field for the first time in a month. I'm waiting for a window to open, out of which I can look around, stop being so self-centered, and move even further to the left. I'm waiting for Bush to be on his way out of office. I'm waiting for this privitizing Social Security idea to be diffused, endagnered, and extinct. I'm waiting for the global warming threat to no longer just be a paranoid subject for the next save-the-world box office smash, but really scare us into respecting its destructive potential as something that really can happen if we don't watch out. I'm waiting for an end to overabundance, greed, colonialism, Karl Rove, Tom Delay, and Martha Stewart's empire. I'm waiting for the Republicans to shed the blind faith in their President for just a second and really wonder why he's really doing what he's doing. I'm waiting for an end to killing and suffering in Iraq. I'm waiting for Tsunami, Part II to crash our vain shores, Mount St. Helens to blow her lid again, the Black Plague to put our immune systems to shame. Yeah, I'm waiting for the Ice Age, the Apocalypse, the Second Coming of the dinosaurs, the Third Coming of the Messiah. I'm waiting for the real cynicism to take hold into the big fade. I'm waiting for the most important question to ask itself, loud and clear, for everyone to hear in thousands of different languages simultaneously. I'm waiting for the moment we can't escape the answer.

Okay, I can't really offer any excuses for what I just wrote. I guess blame it on Radiohead? I'm listening to Amnesiac, which I used to listen to while falling asleep in college (yes, I'm a contradictory weirdo), and so I think some of my past dreams are fucking with me every time I listen to this when I'm awake. Also this wicked smart author named Jared Diamond was on NPR this morning talking about his new book, which is basically about the sudden wipeout of civilizations like the Mayans, why this happened, how we can prevent it, etc. I read his other book, Guns, Germs, and Steel, for smart kid seminar (this weekly round-table discussion that was supposed to be all the juniors who would go on to win Rhodes and Fullbright scholarships, but obviously they made a mistake in selecting me...look where I am now!). Guns, Germs, and Steel was this mind-blowing, fascinating, massive read, all about (in meticulously detailed research) how the development of certain societies in very specific areas around the world were shaped by factors like food production, climate, wildlife, vegetation, etc. Anyway, just hearing Jared Diamond talk about his new book kind of freaked me out and made me paranoid about the impending wipeout of our civilization. Of course I'm going to pick it up and read it as soon as I'm finished with The Infinite Jest because I can be a morbid girl. And the Radiohead song "Like Spinning Plates" is not helping me cheer up right now.


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