Where are they now?

If you happen to have a lot of time on your hands, or even if it’s in somebody else’s hands, or some company’s hands (gotta love whomever started that figure of speech), do you ever stop and wonder…hey, whatever happened to (fill in the blank)? As I was edging along the 134 freeway tonight on my way home from work, my mind wandered away from “All Things Considered” on NPR and out into the unknown, contemplating where some certain random someones have been hiding. May be counterproductive, but at least I’m not thinking about something stupid like the fortune in my lunch fortune cookie today: “Happiness can be achieved by using your patience.” Right now I may need better timing, but I don’t need a little patience. Axl had it wrong. And speaking of…

Axl Rose – The last time I saw him, he was running all over my TV with an atrocious version of “Paradise City” at the MTV Video Music Awards a couple years ago. His long hair was rocking Milli Vanilli braids, and after the performance, Kurt Loder was having an orgasm interviewing him on the side of the stage about when the long-awaited Chinese Democracy was going to arrive on the discount racks alongside Velvet Revolver. He’s probably holed up in the Hollywood Hills, perhaps contemplating the impact of the Internet on curbing democracy in China, but more likely, listening to “November Rain” on repeat reminiscing about when he was on the top of the world and could get away with blasting those “immigrants and faggots” on timeless gems like “One in a Million” (special props to my former neighbor Ted for my familiarity with that song. Why I allowed him to blast it out of my car when I gave him rides home from high school, I will never know).

Jay Mohr – I saw him do stand-up in college. He did the best Christopher Walken impression. Ever. When someone in the audience yelled, “Do Walken!” he told this supposedly true story about how he did a movie with Walken, and somebody on the set had a dog with no tail. And perhaps this was really funny to me because my parents’ dog, Legend, doesn’t have a tail, and when he goes on walks in public places, he always attracts fascination from little kids who just can’t understand the concept of a dog without a tail. Apparently, Walken had a similar reaction. According to Mohr, he saw this dog and said, in all seriousness and disbelief, “Your dog. It’s got no tail,” and went on and on about how tragic it would be to be a dog with no tail. And then Mohr posed the question whether, if Walken were a dog, would he rather be blind and have a tail, or be able to see and have no tail? He replied, in deadpan Walken, “Oh, definitely a tail. Definitely.” Might have to hear to appreciate, but hilarious. Especially if you get a kick out of Walken’s role selection history, from his symbolic Russian Roulette fall in Deer Hunter to channeling his inner dad in Catch Me If You Can.

Dan Quayle- At one time, this man was the Vice President of the United States. His name does not alert the spell checker because he’s one fine bird. In 1992 he dropped off the face of the earth, with only single mommy Murphy Brown and the word, “potatoe” able to bring his name up on Google.

Al Gore – And while we’re on the subject of Vice Presidents, the man who should be where Bush’s ass is right now is going all out for global warming…and I mean ALL OUT. The man really cares. He’s showing a passion we certainly didn’t see in 2000, or in 2004 from his non-personality platform repeat offender, John Kerry. But now Old Gore can do something he wouldn’t have been able to rightly tackle as President. Like John Edwards’ pledge to stay on course with a life of public service devoted to aiding the lower class, Al Gore has found his niche in leading the quest for bringing up the ridiculousness of Social Security and terrorism overparanoia when it’s imminent that New Orleans (and Mardi Gras) will drown in the swamp and the World Trade Center memorial will follow Battery Park into the Atlantic. Right now the rest of the world is setting an example that Bush and his billionaires fail to follow. The Kyoto Treaty. Hmmmm. Why won’t Bush participate? I’m sure the New Yorker, Mother Jones, and the Atlantic Monthly have all done excellently researched stories hashing out the reasons that should be all-too-obvious to every liberal west of the Rose Bowl and east of Fenway Park, but even if Bush turns a deaf ear, Gore is on the ball. And Clinton and H.W. are hitting up Corporate America for the Tsunami victims. What tsunami? Oh…right. Is anyone else bothered that the Tsunami is totally old news while the Big Southern California Storm was on the front page of every web browser last week? And while I’m going off on the media…Bono is apparently up for the Nobel Peace Prize. Yes, the man has done great things for Africa, but in comparison to all the other way more worthy nominees, this year the only significant peace he achieved was when I was so disappointed in the new U2 album that I had to turn it off and play something else.

Ross Perot – IF ONLY Perot had come back in 2004. IF ONLY. Perot gave Clinton 1992 on a silver platter. I should know. I did a report on the election in sixth grade, but haven’t really thought about it since then. Has anyone given a charitable thought to Ross Perot? It was as if he suddenly lost his billions and turned into an unintentionally evil consumer advocate named Ralph.

Jakob Dylan – The only reason I thought of him was because I kind of liked the Wallflowers song, “One Headlight,” after Springsteen rocked out with the band at some big MTV Grammy Hybrid Awards show way back when, you know, when they were rock stars. I remember Bruce just took that solo way beyond where it was conventionally meant to go. (Best Springsteen solo = “Candy’s Room”) Anyway, back to Jakob. I thought of “One Headlight,” because the guy who works at the parking structure at work kindly alerted me that one of my headlights was out as I was leaving, so that song just wandered into my head, leading me to wonder what happened to Bob’s son, along with pretty much all the other people on this list.

Delia True as a Girlfriend – I noticed my roommate cooking her boyfriend dinner last night and was struck by how she is a damn good girlfriend. Once upon a time, I was also a damn good girlfriend. Really. I’m not one to float my own boat, but if you don’t believe me, email me and I’ll give you my ex-boyfriend’s number. He’ll tell you. I only thought of this one because it has been so long, I think I forget how to be a good girlfriend, and watching Sex and the City and post-millennium romantic comedies sure doesn’t help.

My sister as a non-Mormon – I would give anything to go out for coffee with my sister, and then go get drunk with my sister, just like we did on the night before my college graduation with my friends and our cousin. I would also like to be able to attend my sister’s wedding when she gets married, and then get drunk at the reception. And drink coffee the next morning. And be able to swear openly without ducking for cover. And Joseph Smith…I’m not even going to go there.

Delia True staying home on a Friday night – Oh, wait. That person doesn’t even exist. I’m out.