The Smoking AK-47: Chuck Norris Jokes

Editor's Note: If anyone out there feels the same way about Chuck Norris that I feel about Bruce Springsteen (ie. he is your #1 lifelong hero), I am sorry to offend you with this, but I came into contact with Norris jokes one too many times, and every girl has got her breaking point, right? Unlike the Denmark newspapers' reckless disregard for a potentially violent reaction to the Prophet Muhammed turban-bomb cartoons, I sincerely care about whether I offend my audience (population: 2)...but not enough to refrain from publishing this, because that would just be fighting my identity as needy self-publishing attention whore, and we all know that's an impossible battle to win.

Plus, if someone were to dis Springsteen in any way, I would have a whole lifetime of comebacks. If you are really that big of a fan, you should feel the same kind of confidence in Norris.

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Once upon a time, this list of Chuck Norris jokes spread throughout the Internet blogosphere like wildfire, providing millions of unproductive office workers like myself with a five-minute diversion from the long, mundane eight-hour exchange of soul for meager paycheck. While these witty morsels inevitably served their purpose of providing knee-slapping entertainment to same breed of 20-something frat pack comedian types who originally wrote them, to me they are not funny. I never laughed out loud, not even a little "hee hee..." I didn't even smile.

Perhaps my refined feminine sense of humor is immune to the pitfalls of pointless exaggeration, but the more I heard about Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, Jack Bauer, or any variation on the predictably white-male centered chosen topic (and no, Vin, you're not black. Your choice to star in The Pacifier makes you an honorary white person - just like Will Smith), the more I began to hear the opposition voices in my head, telling me things like...

* Chuck Norris, the roundhouse kick only serves to question the merging of the words "round" and "house" to describe a maneuver that keeps a goon down for two seconds at best. You hear that whispering from the past? It's the stunt performers on [insert one of your lame-ass movies here, because it's not worth the effort to type your sorry stage name into IMDB] wondering if a mosquito had bitten them after taking a dozen of your harmless little roundhouseys.

* Chuck Norris is gay. He was an undercover contestant on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, and reportedly suggested sucking all their dicks at once - on camera.

* Chuck Norris, I once had a boyfriend also named Chuck who was a drug addict, and he told me to tell you he doesn't want you using his name anymore. He's twice your size, has a black belt in Tae Kwon Do, and even on five tabs of ex, a case of PBR, a few Sharpie inhales, and a speed-of-light ride on the merry-go-round, he could still kick your ass.

* Chuck Norris, for the love of Mao...stop trying to be all Asian. You have a mullet, and it's not even a badass white trash mullet that goes well with tight stone-washed jeans and an old Springsteen concert t-shirt with the sleeves cut off - your mullet is the one you wear with your flimsy white pajamas and dainty bare feet. And that ain't no black belt you're wearing, friend it's my long black licorice rope. Give it back, or I'll sic Bruce Lee to come back from the dead and make you cry. That's what you get for taking the "arts" out of martial arts.

* Chuck Norris, stop trying to bogart the second best MLB team name in Texas with your tired-ass re-running show. It's not even fun to make fun of anymore, and when Haley Joel Osment was on the show, I'll bet he was so creepy you had to hide from him for fear of being penetrated with those devastatingly magnetic wide eyes of his. But did you know that during the filming of AI, Jude Law was so unaffected by the Haley Joel hex that he stared the little guy down? It's true. But you, Chuck, you can't even utter the words "sixth sense" without hiding your eyes.

* Chuck Norris didn't invent water; word on the street is that he owes 78 percent (or whatever it is) of his body to the hydrogen and oxygen elements that form water molecules, and when his mother's water broke while in labor, he cried, and then he was so afraid of his tears, he cried some more. I'm pretty sure he's been crying all his life. And his tears cure cancer, you say? Tell that to my mom's tumor.

* If what the Chuck Norris Jokes say is true and Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father, Luke still lifesabered his ass, using the Force to make Chuck Norris roundhouse kick himself in the face repeatedly. And then Han Solo went and seduced Chuck Norris' wife and made Chuck Norris (still roundhouse-kicking himself in the face) watch.

* Chuck Norris, stop paying your completely unfunny fans to think up clever exaggerations about you. Face it, you're getting older, your career is dead, and the chances of those joke lists putting you back on the map are about as likely as they are to revive Vin Diesel's fast and furious box office glory. You are a fucking dinosaur to the action flick, and now you're dead to all forms of comedy, too.

* Chuck Norris, you're like James Frey on Oprah. So consumed with your own myth that even you believe it's true.

* Chuck Norris, I've suddenly become so bored writing this list about you, filing the large stack of papers on my desk seems like an action-packed episode of Days of Our Lives in comparison. Any paper cuts I suffer will surely be more painful than a roundhouse kick. Just a closing warning: if I see or hear of another one of your joke lists anywhere near my monitor, I'm going to reach into the web and deconstruct the html, and then I'm going to infiltrate your brain and lodge a recurring image of Haley Joel Osment in your dreams. Oh wait, nevermind - I've already done it.