The Evolution of the Pointless Political Preoccupation

In Crawford, Texas, President Bush begins a relaxing vacation at his ranch today. NPR says it’ll be a quick two weeks, but according to Knight Ridder, the man is so stressed, this holiday could extend into a month. Thanks to the latest in ignorance and communications technology, most Americans won’t even know the difference.

In Los Angeles, California, Delia True returns to the news after a three-day absence to find that, man, shit is just as fucked up as it was before, if not even more fucked up. She contemplates why she continues to read the news, why she continues her membership to the choir that hears the same left wing zealots preach brilliant, fruitless dissent on a daily basis. Above all else, she wonders why she should even bother with her own political tirades anymore. Thanks to the latest in ignorance and communications technology, most Americans won’t even know the difference.

She sighs, wondering why the inner skeptic always seems to override the optimist. What is the point of speaking out when her opinion doesn't even matter anymore? Reluctantly, she morphs back into first person and types some more personal political drivel. It may not matter, it may not make a difference, and it may be a complete waste of time, but I’d like to look back on this someday near the end of the world, laugh, and know that even though at times I sounded like a broken record that would skip but never break, at least I cared about issues that impacted more lives than my own.

Speaking of life, evolutionary skeptics are taking the science out of the origin of species, and America’s leaders are big believers! Yes, that’s right. Scopes is back. Inherit the Wind, down with Darwin! President Bush has endorsed the teaching of “intelligent design” in schools as a way to balance the human origin theoretical debate.

“Intelligent design” sounds pretty smart, right? Right. There’s even a “think tank” in Seattle that “thinks” about the “scientific” justification for “intelligent design.” It’s all in the shady, vague name, which begs the repeated use of quotation marks. “Creationism” is too blatant, too polarizing, implying God with no mercy.

“Intelligent design” sounds more scientifically credible, professional, fashionable, easy to sell, and now Bush is its star spokesman. Possible pitches like, “The American people have got to know that their President was designed by the, uh, smartest intelligence, not evolved from a monkey" will no doubt sell well in this society.

I know what you liberal primates are thinking: even though Bush sort of looks like a monkey sometimes, the “intelligence” must be a spiritual being named God. Well, not necessarily. The proponents of “intelligent design” maintain that as long as it’s not evolved, "anything" is possible. God is implied but not openly stated.

Needless to say, biologists and liberal academics are getting all hot and bothered by the prospect of teachers pitting “intelligent design” against evolution. But at the same time, Christian fundies are sick and tired of taking their kids to the zoo specifically to stress that, contrary to what Ms. Darwin taught them, they did not evolve from monkeys.

Before this gets all heated up in the abortion/Euthanasia cooker, I’ve got to throw down on Darwin’s side, and it has nothing to do with my political orientation, where I stand on Church-n-State morality issues, or how strong my opposition to the President. I’ve got too much respect for evolution to discredit it with the trivial subjectivity of divine intervention.

This basic yet incredibly complex science goes unnoticed and underappreciated with every breath we take, as sure as Newton's third law of motion expects an equal and opposite reaction. The world is as beautiful and ugly as it is today because of growth, errosion, destruction, chaos, life.

There is no design until we start programming DNA, but then the human discovery of engineering the human body is just another stage of evolution, just like this debate tests the spiritual-scientific tendencies of the human brain, just like what I’m writing may cause someone reading it to wonder whether I’ve just taken a giant hit from a pipe packed with leaves from some mysterious THC-laden biological wonder plant.

But no, I’m not high, and I'd much rather be high than restricted to a being of God’s design, or some otherwise intelligent designer that "think tanks" concoct for the latest high school lesson plan. I embrace the fact that I’m evolved from my parents and their parents and their homosapien monkey love children. If my President wants to teach kids otherwise, I’ve got a problem with that, just like I've got a problem with all the other shit he does that I can't control.

If somehow, someday by natural selection I evolve into a mother, I'll just have to troubleth my own house and inherit my own wind. But Proverbs 11:29 also states that "the fool shall be servant to the wise of heart." If it’s come down to countering a proven scientific theory with a foolish, overzealous public relations stunt in biology class, why teach our kids anything about how we got here? They’ve got imaginations. Let them wander and evolve before their minds become complacently ignorant, or worse, as pointlessly politically occupied as mine.