Condoleezza Rice: World Tour

From South Korea to Afghanistan, from Turkey to Rwanda, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is spreading the Bush Doctrine of freedom and democracy, one borderline Third World dictatorship at a time. Since she is a woman of color, she represents the hope of the international community overcoming white-male-bred imperialism - to make way for a new era of white-male-dominated multinational corporatism. Dressed to the nines in power suits and wearing her trademark permanent scowl, she trots the globe, ascending upon world leaders, taking diplomacy to manipulative, power-hungry new heights by lecturing them on how to govern their countries.

For some reason, Dr. Rice has paid The New Goo a visit. I’m not sure what she’s doing here, but here she is, perched on a stool like a Sunday school teacher, getting ready to preach her gospel.

Condoleezza Rice: Good morning Delia. I’m your Secretary of State. Condoleezza Rice.

DT: I know who you are, Dr. Rice, and you’re not my secretary. You were appointed by a President I didn’t vote for.

CR: (scowls)

DT: Don’t look at me like that! Jeez, you could annihilate a terrorist camp with the impact of that scowl!

CR: (scowls harder)

DT: I mean – I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be rude. Thanks for stopping by and everything. But what are you doing here? I thought you were in Saudi Arabia today.

CR: Delia, when was the last time you had democratic elections here?

DT: But I’m the only one here.

CR: Do you realize a dictatorship is a breeding ground for terrorists?

DT: Are you in love with President Bush?

CR: (blushes, still scowling) The President and I have a strictly…professional relationship.

DT: Was the Iraq War intelligence fixed?

CR: I’m in no position to answer that question.

DT: I’m gonna go ahead and take that as a “YES.” So what’s next on the hit list? Iran? North Korea? China? Russia? France?

CR: I don’t think there are any people in the world who don’t deserve to be free.

DT: What?

CR: It used to be said that Asians don’t deserve to be free.

DT: Well, I’ll be damned.

CR: You remember that talk about “Asian values”? That used to be said about African Amercians.

DT: What? Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction up his ass?

CR: When people say there are cultures where freedom doesn’t matter, it’s almost patronizing to say that.

DT: Almost?

CR: I think it is really, really wrong.

Christy Crunch: What is really, really wrong?

DT: The current state of American diplomacy.

CC: What is Condi Rice doing here?

DT: She was just leaving. Oh, wait. Dr. Rice, what was the name of that August 6, 2001 presidential daily briefing memo again?

CR: (scowls) “Bin Laden determined to attack inside the U.S.”

DT: That’s what I thought.

CR: But...President Bush made clear to us that he did not want to respond to al Qaeda one attack at a time. He told me he was tired of swatting flies...

DT: Three of these so-called flies attacked innocent people on American soil. Do us a favor, Dr. Rice. The next time President Bush tires of his fly-swatting duties, please urge him to resign.